For My Crow Grrrls...

Black crow, black crow, tell me...
Originally uploaded by monkeyc.net.

My Aunt and her friends are Crow Girls...

(a Charles DeLint reference)


"One crow for sorrow,
Two crows for joy,
Three crows for a girl,
Four for a boy,
Five crows for silver,
Six crows for gold,
Seven crows for a secret never to be told."

-- Unknown

Black crow, black crow, tell me where you really go
When you fly into the sunset, high in evening sky,
Black crow, black crow, tell me what you really know
Will we flourish in this hurricane, or will we fall and die?

Nick Cave - Black Crow

The Cherry Street Baker

Services Set for Cherry Street Baker
By Staff Reports, The Tulsa World
5/21/2006

Caroline Brune, the owner of the former Bakery on Cherry Street and a founding member of the Tristesse Center, died May 14 of ovarian cancer. She was 56.

A memorial service is set for 3 p.m. May 28 at All Souls Unitarian Church.

Brune not only left behind a legacy of signature baked goods still served at the Wild Fork restaurant but also was instrumental in the evolution of Cherry Street, one of Tulsa's popular business districts on 15th Street between Peoria and Utica avenues.

Born in Enid on a wheat and cattle farm, Brune learned her first baking skills from her mother, Gertrude.

"Caroline always said that from the time she was old enough to stand on a stool and reach a counter, she began kneading dough," said Susanne Barnard, a close friend and owner of the Bead Merchant.

Brune was known for having an innate understanding of the idiosyncrasies of creating dough and an uncanny rhythm in the way she kneaded it, said her brother, Carl.

Kim Michie, chef and owner of the Wild Fork, said no one has been able to recreate Brune's popular peasant sourdough bread. "It just doesn't taste the same, so we quit trying."

Brune had a degree in English from Phillips University and attended graduate courses at the University of Tulsa, where she met her bakery business partner, Cheryl Dobbins. Together they opened a bakery that served doughnuts in downtown Tulsa in 1977.

When the downtown location was turned into a parking lot in the early 1980s, the women gave up their doughnut fryer, moved to 15th Street and incorporated the original street name into their new identity, a quintessential European-style coffeehouse.

The Bakery on Cherry Street was the first of its kind in Tulsa, "born out of thinking romantically about food," Dobbins said. It was in the building that houses Tucci's on 15th Street.

For many years, it was the only place in town where a patron could get an espresso, cappuccino, handmade croissants or other artisan baked goods such as Brune's hallmark Morning Buns. Unlike some places, bakery patrons were encouraged to linger as long as they liked, Dobbins said.

Brune helped revive the historic street name designation for the area and played "a role as an urban pioneer in making the Bakery on Cherry Street a neighborhood landmark," which spurred the renaissance of the Cherry Street District, said Stacey Bayles, a member of the Tulsa Metropolitan Planning Commission.

The bakery was open for 16 years. After it closed in the mid-1990s, Brune started baking for the Wild Fork. She later turned her creativity to doing woodworking for Pounds and Francs.

When her life-partner, Lisa Blaylock, died in 2000, Brune and several others founded the Tristesse Center, a nonprofit organization that offers grief-support programs to individuals and families.

"Caroline brought so much to the table because she had a real understanding and a real appreciation for the grieving process. She knew everyone loses something, whether it is an individual or health," said Christy Sanders, president of Tristesse Center.

Brune was diagnosed with cancer in 2001 and also lost her brother, John, to cancer.

She is survived by her mother, Gertrude Brune of Enid; four brothers, Carl Brune of Tulsa, G.J. Brune of Enid, Paul Brune of Lawton and Delmer Brune of Waynoka; and nine nieces and nephews.

Friends are making contributions to ovarian cancer research through the Caroline Brune Memorial Fund; Spirit Bank; 2020 E. 14th Place; Tulsa, OK 74104.

Caroline's Obituary, Tulsa World, 5/21/2006

Caroline Brune

BRUNE -- Caroline, was born May 9, 1950 and departed this life on Mother's day, Sunday, May 14, 2006. She was the daughter of Gertrude Rauh Brune and Elmer Brune. She attended Freehome School, one of the few country schools left in Garfield County, Waller Jr. High and graduated from Enid High School, in 1968. She graduated from Phillips in 1972, with a degree in English. Caroline moved to Tulsa to attend graduate school at The University of Tulsa. Shortly thereafter, with her partner Cheryl Dobbins, they opened a doughnut shop in downtown Tulsa. They then opened the Bakery on Cherry Street, where they produced wonderful croissants, morning buns, cinnamon rolls, breads and other fine products for 16 years. She is survived by: her mother, Gertrude; her brothers, G.J, Paul, Delmer and Carl; sisters-in-law, Marlene, Ramona, Mary and Julia; and nephews and nieces. She was pre-deceased by: her father; her brother John; her partner, Lisa Blaylock; as well as her grandparents and an uncle and aunt. She also leaves a community of women who have been close friends, encouragers and caregivers. Anyone who knew Caroline witnessed, in awe, the undaunted courage she found within herself to face and fight her illness, and when it came time, the even greater quality of graceful acceptance. In the last 5 years of her life, the outpouring of love, support and caring she received was mirrored in what she had given to others during her amazing life. We will miss, but more so treasure, the memory of her keen intelligence, her determined energy, her level of excellence in everything she undertook, her dry wit, her love and appreciation of beauty and all the ways she delighted us with her humor and the knowing ways in which she laughed. The world is a better place because Caroline was here. A Memorial service will be held at 3 p.m., Sunday, May 28, 2006, at All Souls Unitarian Church, 2952 S. Peoria, Tulsa, OK. In lieu of flowers please consider a donation to ovarian cancer research. Contributions can be made to the Caroline Brune Memorial Fund, 2020 E. 14th Place, Tulsa, OK 74104. Cremation Society of Oklahoma, 599-7337.
Published in the Tulsa World on 5/21/2006.

Speaking from the Belly...

by NatyaHara
http://www.natyahara.com/

Natya Hara is a concept combining the various references to sacred dance and the abdomen. A play on words I suppose, but an idea to convey the idea of being in one's personal power, dance of the womb.

The word “natya” is a sanskrit word meaning “dance”. In Bharat Natyam (classical Indian dance), three modes of movement encompasses the range of aesthetic possibilities: Nritta, Nritya, and Natya. Nritta is abstract or "pure" movement - is it pure dance devoid of emotional expression wherein dancers use body movements and pounding rhythmic footwork to create visual geometric patterns vibrating with dynamic energy. Nritya is lyrical dance that interprets poetry. Dancers use conventional hand gestures called mudras along with facial expressions and feelings to express the meanings or interpretations of the lyrics or text. Natya describes dance-drama that enacts a narrative or idea. In Natya, dancers use both pose and expressional aspects along with mime to create drama. The Natya Shastra is the oldest surviving text on stagecraft in the world.

“Hara” is a Japanese word meaning center of the body – usually referring to the navel or solar plexus, aka “belly”. There are discrepancies among the various interpretations of the chakra system, some sources state the hara is located at the solar plexus/3rd chakra while others describe it as the sacral hara chakra/2nd chakra. There are sources that reference the hara encompassing the abdominal cavity from the solar plexus to the pubic bone, thus combining the idea of chakras 2 and 3.

Cultures such as those of India, China, Japan, and Africa acknowledge the belly as the point of physical access to spiritual power. Such cultures offer practical ways (yoga, hara training, traditions of dance, rituals of healing, martial arts) to develop the belly as a source of spiritual strength.

The Japanese term for the belly and its transpersonal power is hara. The value which the Japanese culture places upon developing hara ("hara wo neru") shows up in the way the word occurs in idioms of common usage. The fully mature person, for example, is known as "hara no okii hito"—the one who has finished his belly. "Haragei" literally means "belly art" is the art of concentrating ki in the abdomen. The hara is viewed as the seat of personal power. The vocalizations in martial arts, “kiai!” does not originate from the throat, but the hara.

In nature the hara is a vulnerable place: animals protect their soft underbellies. It is an indication of trust when they allow you to pet or rub its belly. In humans, the belly is a vulnerable place as well. So much attention is placed on what it looks like and for many it is a source of personal insecurity. We are taught the abdomen it to be held tight and must be flat. A wonder if many are able to breathe deeply. Our emotions are represented in the belly - the visceral center/the seat of emotions.

The hara, also described 3 finger widths below the navel, is the warehouse which stores a woman's life-affirming, self-affirming energy connecting emotional and intellectual centers.

Crafting & Summer Plans (Cuz *Everyone's* Asking Lately! ;)

How Gifts Are Made
Originally uploaded by Hello Doodle!.

Bellydancing has been a BIG deal lately. Brie and I sewed up some *awesome* tribal-ly looking pants. They look like skirts, but are wrap-around pants. I have cholis (half tops that are traditional for tribal bellydance) arriving in the mail sometime tomorrow, I think.

(Off-topic in a diagonal sort of way: All of the sudden, I can expose my belly. That's been such a big deal for me, even when I was "thin". I have had such a time of it making friends with my belly. And my breasts. They are so far from the social ideal, it's pathetic [as in "a pathos"]. But they have nurtured Mara and I'm going to turn 40 in another year and a half. I get to step gracefully to the left and not be in the 'gotta be the hottie' spotlight. I want/need to unconditionally accept all of me. Vogue just seems to keep me from it, I swear! LOL I really feel like I've made huge steps to get there these past few weeks. Here's to me making giant steps for womyn-kind by 2008. :)

I'm planning on dipping candles, making another Waldorf doll or two, sewing pads, making pocket diapers for Mara's dolls (she has a couple that 'pee' and she's at a loss about what to do with diapering. I think we could do some awesome things for environmental reasons. She is really into not wasting things now.), beading, making beads, decorating a "push-up" bra I found for a tribal bra (and repurposing a bunch of old jewelry in the process), making another tassel belt, soap making (Mom's put in an order for ginger soap). We've got a bunch of really cool craft kits hanging around, so we're going to do those too. I think there's even a mini-book making one somewhere. Oh, and friendship bracelets.

I have a Aryan cables blanket I'm still working on. I'll probably work on that on our way up and back from Tulsa/Lawton. I'm still working on that gorgeous sweater coat too. AND I'm planning on designing a choli and belt with the mitered knitting I've been doing.

Jut a few things for the summer. [g]

Oh, yeah. [bleck] and figure out what the heck I'm going to do for Yule/Christmas gifties. I had this cool plan about aquiring/making gifts all throughout the year. Yeah. Soooo not happening. Maybe when I grow up and don't have, like, *anything* else to do. [sigh] Oh, well. A grrrl's gotta have goals! LOL

Feeling Peaceful & Energized

sappho's lament
Originally uploaded by fubuki.

I had an emotional break-through on the other side at bellydance this week. Last class, I broke down and couldn't focus. Didn't want to share my energy etc. Went back in for the slow moves and that helped.

This week, I was energized and ready to rock. I even managed to let my body figure out the 3/4 shimmy, which has been eluding me for about 10 years. ;) I'm dreaming about dancing and I'm releasing a lot of stuff in class. Last Saturday, I was able to "flirt" with a woman who was watching the class. The moves are really starting to stick in my body. I'm very excited about it.

When I got home from class, I was all jazzed and happy. When I think about my aunt, I find a calm, peaceful, contented feeling. I'm still sad she's gone, but I think she's moved on.

The memorial service is on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend. May 28th. We're going to leave from here next Friday around noon and blaze up to Lawton again. Then John, Dad, Mom, Darren, and I will go up to Tulsa on Sunday in the a.m. The service is at 3p. I suspect the reception will last until 5p. Then there's a dinner at Caroline's house with drinking and carrying on, crying laughing shouting debating story telling until all hours. Dad will stay the night, but the rest of us will go back to Lawton around 7 or 8p, I suspect. Mara's hanging out with her great Grama and her great great aunt and 1st cousin twice removed (I had to ask John about how that works... Still don't get it). Hopefully the pool will be open at Grampa's house and we won't have to worry about them entertaining her or anything. [g]

We aren't taking Mara to the memorial/wake. I talked to Dad about the intensity level and he said "Let's just say there *will* be American Indian wailing." Well, okay then. Let me just get my ashes and rent-worthy clothes on so we can really tie one on. All I can do is ululate. I could probably work up a good scratch or two on my face if I really go into it. Perhaps I should go as Sandman's Death. I have the outfit for it... I could do the Eye of Horus on one of my eyes.
And I have a black veil somewhere around here.

Believe me. That will *all* fit in. My family knows how to mourn, by the Gods!

As Promised, The Finished Caroline Doll

Isn't she just a doll? LOL Perky/plucky/punky... I think she's just too cute to look at. She's featured in Bust magazine. Apparently, she's all the rage in Japan. Note the Mary Janes...

Mother's Day Flowers!

Mother's Day Flowers!
Originally uploaded by DragonFly24.

How Bee-yu-tah-full! I simply am mad about flowers... Oh yes :). And Snap Dragons. My fave!

Flowers arranged by Coby Neal - The Flower Studio

Strange Japanese Crochet Dolly (her legs are being done today lol): by Moi

The Doll Mommy's Mother's Day Flowers!

The Doll Mommy's Mother's Day Flowers!
Originally uploaded by DragonFly24.

Bella Nana sent Mara flowers on Mother's Day to celebrate her tight relationship with all of her dolls :). How sweet is that?


Flowers arranged by Coby Neal - The Flower Studio

She has crossed over.

...she passed away in her mother's arms. On Mother's Day. She went gently.

Thank you for all of your love and gentle holding these past few weeks and years. I love you all.

I will miss her. For a while. Then she will show up again and it will all be good. :)

What a marvel, the Wheel of Life.
.
.
.
Merry Meet and Merry Part and Merry Meet Again, Sweet Aunt Caroline.

You will be remembered.

Blessed Be.

Detail of the Strap

Detail of the Strap
Originally uploaded by DragonFly24.

I actually had to go online to learn how to do the reverse chain stitch for embroidery. I'm pleased with how it turned out on the outside, but I still think improvements could be made on the inside. There's an untidy mess of yarn stitches. Even if I were actually *good* at embroidery, I think there would be an eyesore back there. And it's visible when you open the bag... Unsightly. And after all that perfect felting, too.

But the gods are please it isn't perfect... the embroidery saved me from smiting, at least! LOL

My Bag at a Better Angle

My Bag at a Better Angle
Originally uploaded by DragonFly24.

You can see the bottom edge. It turned out (dare I say it?) perfectly. [g] I'm extremely happy with it. I can't decide if it's a dance bag or a SnB project bag. Or a "on the fly" bag... Choices, choices!

Latest Finished Project... *My* Bag :)

Latest Finished Project... *My* Bag :)
Originally uploaded by DragonFly24.

Mmmm... Yummy! *Love* the colors... Same project as John's bag.

Your Lesson in Pharmacology for Today...

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Author Unknown. Email joke circulated.

photo: Public Domain; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:VariousPills.JPG

Ode to PMS

Lisa, where oh where is that t-shirt???

I needy it...

The one that says:

"FUCK ALL Y'ALL!"

{kiss kiss}

Just s'mother me in chocolate. I need someone to feed me and take care of my shit today. I'm all played out.



photo from: http://www.vortexrep.org

Integral Naked

Intrigued?

Go here...

I've been listening to Ken Wiber again. What a mind blowing experience.

Another thing that could be interesting is...

The Spirit of Conscious Business with a foreward by Mr. Ed (as we call Ken in this household. [wink]).

photo from: http://in.integralinstitute.org/i/yabyum_wht.jpg

Song Birds

How sweet *can* you get?
Song Fest 2006, Birdsong Cottage
05/04/06, 8:15 p.m.
Mara, Eva, Celestina, Eanna & Jada

Photo: Taken w/ my cel phone on the fly...

A Quote from Bucky B. Katt

Okay. It's too small to really read... but the punch line is ever so worth it...

"Awww... Be consistent! You are just flailing around like a lubed up squid." -- Bucky B. Katt

House of the Holy

My journey to Be with my aunt was long. I packed up our family for the 2 days we'd be gone and we drove for 6.5 hours to get to Lawton, OK. We got in at 10:00p. Right before we took off, Bro called to let me know that Dad had found out the hard way (by having to go the emergency room) that he has a prostate infection. Not fun. Turns out, Dad thinks he had the beginnings of it on our trip to Big Bend. Poor guy!

Dad had set us up in a *very* nice suite at a motel so we had our own space and Mom didn't have to make room for us at the house ("the house" floats. Whomever's house you are collective at, that's where "the house" is.). I did yoga every morning. My shoulder thanked me after ;). We used the hot tub twice and that was ooooh so nice. Mara loved it :).

We ate (a junky but pretty yummy) breakfast and headed over to the house. Turns out, the antibiotics weren't heavy duty enough and the infection had gone on long enough that Dad wasn't really travel-worthy. So, we made some calls and left messages. Cancelled doctors appointments, let the school know Mara wouldn't be there on Monday, checked in with bosses, cat-sitters etc. Arrangements were made and we stayed an extra day so we could go to Tulsa (that's where Aunt Caroline lives) on Sunday. How stressful. Mara was ecstatic. John not so ecstatic.

Bro and John worked it so that the wireless network at Dad's now supports both of their laptops. That means they can work while they are there and ease the burden of too much piling up while they are on leave.

Mom and I seem to always shop when there is death in the air, and this time was no different. She needed to go pick up a few items and return some things. (She doesn't drive.) So off to Tuesday Morning and Jean's Beads we go (and all the other places she didn't mention but were on the list in fine print... Typical. ;). My health-dar went off and I stopped at the health food store to pick up some probiotics for Dad. Heavy hitter antibiotics suck. And apparently doubly-so for Dad. So he gets the best of the best of the best probiotics and we time them so that there are good little buggers in his guts repopulating while the bad little buggers get killed off.

I scored some really nice towel-age for the house (I'm in Austin now, so that's the house of which I'm referring ;), a pretty bathroom rug, and some very groovy gift wrapping paper. Oh, and some excellent cotton blend yarn for crocheting. In hanks, no less! Very posh. Mom bought the towels for me (thanks, Mom!). They are all off-white, but they aren't matching patterns, so everyone's happy. ;)

I get back to the house (in Lawton) and I'm exhausted. We do dinner, drag ourselves back to the motel and get into the hot tub. Ahhhh... Sweet surrender. Read some Get Fuzzy and Sherman's Lagoon and nod off.

The next day, I get up, do the yoga thang, eat "breakfast", and get picked up by some really cute guys (Dad and Bro). The phone conversation went something like this:

Me: "Hola."
Dad: "Hey. We're here."
Me: "'K."
Dad: "Okay."
[click]

That's pretty typical. What's funny is that there is a load of things said in all of that, but it's assumed. It was a loving conversation. LOL None of us are particularly wordy in the a.m. Mom's all snugged in in the back of the rental car Bro picked up at the OKC airport. Which means I get the front seat due to my car sick past. Mom passes me the Bonine. Ah, the perks of having a mom in da house! I counter with passing my wooly shawl back when she says "I should have brought a pillow." We were packing enough snacks and everything to feed a small nation in food bars, LOL! Darren drove like a race car driver bat outta hell and we got there in good time. Lunch. Need lunch. Went to the Wild Fork to see if they were serving. No such luck. Waaaah!

But hey! Caroline is calling and saying that the Wild Fork is at her house and waiting to feed us! Yay! (Kim, the chef at the Wild Fork brought yummies for us to feast on.)

We arrived, stretched and paused for station identification. Zoe, the big black dog, was announcing our arrival. We went in. And there she was, in all her glory, laying on a golden couch looking like she just woke up from a little nap. She's wearing vermillion and teal striped long jammies and has that sparkle in her eyes that just never quits.

Caroline. Our sweet sweet Caroline.

The house is holy. It is steeped in love. The air is almost palpable with it. We stop and kneel to give homage to Our Caroline. Hugs all around. Smiles. "You look fucking great!" murmured over and over.

Time stops. It swirls. It melts. The light is golden and old. The floor creaks. People move in and out in a dance as old as the tribes. The kitchen is calling with it's heartbeat of Life Life Life... Eat Eat Eat. Sustain yourself. Julia, my Uncle Carl's life partner (Carl is Dad and Caroline's brother), is doing the eternal Mother's waltz, setting out plates, arranging food, drink... Performing the sacred extracting of the Blood of the Coffee Bean. We all eat. On the deck outside. It's a little deck and Caroline holds court in her padded easy deck chair. She lights up a little all-natural cigarillo and takes a beloved drag. She asks me to make her some coffee. The color of caramel. She laughs and carries on. She leans forward and a friend starts to rub her lower back. She closes her eyes and sighs.

People come in the back gate, the front door, and I swear they ooze in from the walls. Most of them are lesbians in their full glory. Ah, the sweetness of a full-blown lesbian. Like a heritage rose... I am steeping in womyn-energy.

The house is falling apart. It is glorious. It is the perfect balance of done and un-done. The colors on the wall are done as if someone just got the urge to paint a wall now and again. The kitchen is barely enough, but it is enough. The ice box has beer in it and a few things to eat. Just enough to sustain. The floor has the marks of many many feet walking the labyrinth of life across it. The bathroom is only half painted. Lisa, Caroline's life mate, died several years ago from an aneurism, and didn't finish. Caroline left it. There is a brick on the step into the house that is almost completely loose from so many feet passing. It is a tribute to the people in Caroline's life. The walls are a riot of color. Not perfectly done. As if it was done in a moment of need for color, not a need to impress.

Caroline moves from the deck to the living room, back to the golden couch. She says something about wanting a foot massage. I smile and say "Whatever you wish, I will do." Her toenails are painted electric blue. I rub her feet. Her eyes roll up into her head. She sighs. We speak of everything and nothing. She likes it firm, and it doesn't matter if it bruises. She doesn't care. She's tired of hurting. So I rub and rub. And then I rub her hands. I move her energy, rebalancing and unblocking. Gentle. Gentle. She says she's floating. I pause to go to the bathroom, but before I go... We have a sacred Womyn-Moment.

I tell her I am bellydancing again. This time, it all American Tribal. I'm in classes for it. I tell her it is spirals on spirals. She nods and smiles. I unconsciously raise my arms and she mimics me. I tell her about the womyn-experience of being groups with other womyn and how the energy flows and we become One. She nods and we do tiny snake arms and body rolls together. We Understand each other...

I start to rub her back (she's on her side because she has a drainage bag on her abdomen) and her old bakery partner stops by. Cheryl is now in California, but has flown in the visit. It was so good to see her. Cheryl sits and holds Carolyn's feet. She completes the connection. The energy flows. Caroline is really floating now. We finish and I stand up to go wash my hands.

My body is hot. I am sweating. My hands and body are buzzing w/ energy. I feel almost dizzy. I go to the sink and wash my hands. Bro looks at me and says "Damn, girl! You worked it." I shared some of my energy with him.

Cheryl comes away from Caroline with unspilled tears welling up in her eyes. I look at her and say "Are you all right?" She nods. She says she has to go. I say "Everything's going to be okay." Tears spill. We hold each other. Our bellies touch and the energy moves again. In spirals. The center of the universe is in our bellies.

Uncle Carl walks her out. While I was massaging Caroline, Mom, Dad and Bro are repotting and planting geraniums, fixing tub faucets, and repairing things. People are putting matchsticks in the little house that Julia found at a craft store. She drilled holes in patterns all over the house. They are going to Burn Down The House on Caroline's birthday (May 9th). People put wishes for Caroline in the house to be sent up in the smoke.

Isis is watching over the whole thing... Julia did a dark blue cow's head with the Isis horns and the solar disk. It is coming out of the purple brick wall with hoofs, head and neck pushing through. Beads adorn her horns.

Carl is working on a cookbook that has all the recipes Caroline and her mother worked on throughout their lives. He's in the spare bedroom working on a Mac. He scans a picture of Uncle GJ, Dad, Uncle Delmer and Aunt Caroline when they were little. He gifts a book to John about the lost books of the bible. He and I go to the fusion restaurant around the corner and order food for everyone. We eat. Drink Guinness.

The Maiden, Mother and Crone drop by for a whirlwind visit. They have just flown in from New York. Susanne (a former lover/roommate of Caroline's) owns The Bead Shop and has long wavy red hair and dreamy green eyes. Her mother is a renown watercolorist - Sabina. Sabina was being honored in NYC as one of the top 100 watercolorists in the nation. Or was it top 10? I can't remember. She felt like Angelica Houston. Very classy with raven black hair and a beautiful old German accent. Susanne's sister was tall (they are all tall) and golden haired with electric energy. The settled in to roost with Caroline and then took flight a bit later.

Caroline's Womynion (womynion: a minion of womyn called in a time of need) have set aside the entire day for us. We get time undiluted with Caroline. A precious gift. Christy, the Alpha Bitch of the Womynion, shows me the schedule for March, April and May. It is packed. Caroline is never alone.

We were preparing to leave and I get tapped to talk to Christy on the deck. Kim came out too (ha-ha, little queer humor there ;). I bring my knitting because I thought it was just going to be a little chatting. Turns out that there was nothing "little" about it.

Christy lights up a cigarette and asks me how the family feels about how they are doing with Caroline. I look at her and say "We feel gratitude towards ya'll. We are honored you are in her life. We appreciate you." Then she said that she wanted to make sure we were okay with everything, especially my dad, because some of Caroline's last wishes are a bit unorthodox and they don't have the law behind them to carry it out. My grandmother does. Closest of kin.

Me: Okaaaay.... And? What are these unorthodox things she wants?

Christy: [pause] [deep breath] She wants her body washed.

Me: By whom?

Christy: There's a list. Me and Kim... Others in our community.

Me: Okaaaay.... And? What else?

Christy: She wants to be cremated.

Me: So do I. Annnd?

Christie: She wants the ashes to be split four ways.

Me: To whom do the ashes go?

Christy: 3 sets of friends and your grandmother.

Me: Okay. Good idea. That way Grandmother can do her own memorial. Anything else?

Christy: [pause] [uncomfortable look]

Me: Stopping of the clocks at the time of passing? Covering the mirrors? Candlelight vigil? No shoes so the body doesn't walk? Coins on the eyes?

Christy: [pause] No... No. Maybe Caroline needs to talk to you about some of these rituals... Carl is in charge of the rocks piled up thingy...

[Uncle Carl nods]

Me: A cairn?

[relieved looks]

Christy: Yes! That's what it's called!

Me: Is it going to be a permanent fixture? How is that going to happen?

Carl: It's not set yet. The idea is for people to bring items and make the cairn themselves, then take the items home after the funeral is over.

Me: Ah! What a brilliant idea. That way, everyone can have a memorial of their own. Lovely :).

[nodding heads]

Me: What else?

Christy: She wants the funeral to be held at All Souls Unitarian Universalist Church. Not a Lutheran one.

Me: Ah. Grandmother isn't going to like that.

Christy: Yes, that's what we're worried about.

Me: Well, who the hell is Lutheran in this bunch other than Gra'ma? Besides, Caroline is gay last time I checked and the Christian churches "don't do gay". You can't have last rites and be gay as far as I know...

Christy: Yes, but your grandmother has all of the legal rights.

Me: Ah. An authority/responsibility problem. You have all of the responsibilities and Grandmother has all of the authority....

And so the conversation went. I talked to my brother, my dad and my mom in the car on the way back about it. They were so lovingly funny about it. When I told them about the "unorthodox" part, they were like "all those things are traditional. What's the deal?" And I said finally "Over my dead body will Caroline's last rites be done in a church that doesn't acknowledge all of her. The Unitarian church can accept all of us. The Lutheran one cannot." Darren paused and said "I don't want to rest all of this on your shoulders, but I think you should be the one to make sure Caroline's last wishes are carried out." There was a deep pause. Then Mom said, "I was going to say the same thing." And Dad said, "Me too."

With all of that resulting in me being tapped to be the executrix of Caroline's last wishes. Dad called Christie the next day and asked her if that would help. She said that it was great and that Caroline would really love that. Turns out, I've been accepted as Family.

What an honor. I am deeply touched. Because promises for last wishes must be kept.

Fast forward to today...

Last night, I went to my bellydance class. I thought I would really be healed and taken away like the past classes. Apparently not so. I got in there and couldn't feel the beat. Couldn't make my body move. Just wanted to rest and Be. So I left class. I was worried that being in a group and sharing my energy wouldn't have been a responsible thing to do.

I went out to my car and cried and cried. The sun was coming back out from an intense rainstorm. I was going to leave, but decided to tell the shop owner that it wasn't my instructor or anything, I was just having an intense emotional response. Lori, my instructor came out for a moment and found me and I told her what was going on. I really felt like my intense response was from my travels and travails. She invited me back into class saying we were going to do slow moves.

So I went back in and did it. Which is good because later I would have felt like I had failed. Unfortunately, just as we were getting into this amazing passionate song, and we were starting to groove, she stopped us because it was the end of class and the song was 9 minutes long. What would 4 more minutes have done? Oh, well.

So I'm stuck in this weird place. My energy is all skewed. I know that later and in retrospect, it will all be clear. But for now, I'm all muddy. Which is funny. I'm a Scorpio (water) and Caroline is a Taurus (earth). Perhaps I'm still tuned in.

Perhaps the phone conversation I had with a dear friend contributed to my fall. She said she and her husband are looking at properties away from Austin. He is looking at being laid off. They are enjoying Ren-Festing from behind the scenes (she's been playing hammered dulcimer gigs and he's helping her with that) for the past 6 months. Selling their tax-heavy Austin house for a place out in the country where their dogs can go free and they can have looser living constraints is attractive. But she's a nurse and how is she going to work clear out in the boonies? What is he going to do? Blah blah blah. And we can't move with them (they are that special that we would even consider that). Not really. Our lives are entangled and enmeshed here in Austin for now. Mara's school, our community, bellydancing, knitting groups, healthcare givers etc.

It's complicated.

As usual. ;)

I am sure I'll get over it. [tired grin] I just have to wait for the energy to change.

Which is never a long wait.

Photo Credit: Unknown. Please Do Not Redistribute.