My journey to Be with my aunt was long. I packed up our family for the 2 days we'd be gone and we drove for 6.5 hours to get to Lawton, OK. We got in at 10:00p. Right before we took off, Bro called to let me know that Dad had found out the hard way (by having to go the emergency room) that he has a prostate infection. Not fun. Turns out, Dad thinks he had the beginnings of it on our trip to Big Bend. Poor guy!Dad had set us up in a *very* nice suite at a motel so we had our own space and Mom didn't have to make room for us at the house ("the house" floats. Whomever's house you are collective at, that's where "the house" is.). I did yoga every morning. My shoulder thanked me after ;). We used the hot tub twice and that was ooooh so nice. Mara loved it :).
We ate (a junky but pretty yummy) breakfast and headed over to the house. Turns out, the antibiotics weren't heavy duty enough and the infection had gone on long enough that Dad wasn't really travel-worthy. So, we made some calls and left messages. Cancelled doctors appointments, let the school know Mara wouldn't be there on Monday, checked in with bosses, cat-sitters etc. Arrangements were made and we stayed an extra day so we could go to Tulsa (that's where Aunt Caroline lives) on Sunday. How stressful. Mara was ecstatic. John not so ecstatic.
Bro and John worked it so that the wireless network at Dad's now supports both of their laptops. That means they can work while they are there and ease the burden of too much piling up while they are on leave.
Mom and I seem to always shop when there is death in the air, and this time was no different. She needed to go pick up a few items and return some things. (She doesn't drive.) So off to Tuesday Morning and Jean's Beads we go (and all the other places she didn't mention but were on the list in fine print... Typical. ;). My health-dar went off and I stopped at the health food store to pick up some probiotics for Dad. Heavy hitter antibiotics suck. And apparently doubly-so for Dad. So he gets the best of the best of the best probiotics and we time them so that there are good little buggers in his guts repopulating while the bad little buggers get killed off.
I scored some really nice towel-age for the house (I'm in Austin now, so that's the house of which I'm referring ;), a pretty bathroom rug, and some very groovy gift wrapping paper. Oh, and some excellent cotton blend yarn for crocheting. In hanks, no less! Very posh. Mom bought the towels for me (thanks, Mom!). They are all off-white, but they aren't matching patterns, so everyone's happy. ;)
I get back to the house (in Lawton) and I'm exhausted. We do dinner, drag ourselves back to the motel and get into the hot tub. Ahhhh... Sweet surrender. Read some Get Fuzzy and Sherman's Lagoon and nod off.
The next day, I get up, do the yoga thang, eat "breakfast", and get picked up by some really cute guys (Dad and Bro). The phone conversation went something like this:
Me: "Hola."
Dad: "Hey. We're here."
Me: "'K."
Dad: "Okay."
That's pretty typical. What's funny is that there is a load of things said in all of that, but it's assumed. It was a loving conversation. LOL None of us are particularly wordy in the a.m. Mom's all snugged in in the back of the rental car Bro picked up at the OKC airport. Which means I get the front seat due to my car sick past. Mom passes me the Bonine. Ah, the perks of having a mom in da house! I counter with passing my wooly shawl back when she says "I should have brought a pillow." We were packing enough snacks and everything to feed a small nation in food bars, LOL! Darren drove like a race car driver bat outta hell and we got there in good time. Lunch. Need lunch. Went to the Wild Fork to see if they were serving. No such luck. Waaaah!
But hey! Caroline is calling and saying that the Wild Fork is at her house and waiting to feed us! Yay! (Kim, the chef at the Wild Fork brought yummies for us to feast on.)
We arrived, stretched and paused for station identification. Zoe, the big black dog, was announcing our arrival. We went in. And there she was, in all her glory, laying on a golden couch looking like she just woke up from a little nap. She's wearing vermillion and teal striped long jammies and has that sparkle in her eyes that just never quits.
Caroline. Our sweet sweet Caroline.
The house is holy. It is steeped in love. The air is almost palpable with it. We stop and kneel to give homage to Our Caroline. Hugs all around. Smiles. "You look fucking great!" murmured over and over.
Time stops. It swirls. It melts. The light is golden and old. The floor creaks. People move in and out in a dance as old as the tribes. The kitchen is calling with it's heartbeat of Life Life Life... Eat Eat Eat. Sustain yourself. Julia, my Uncle Carl's life partner (Carl is Dad and Caroline's brother), is doing the eternal Mother's waltz, setting out plates, arranging food, drink... Performing the sacred extracting of the Blood of the Coffee Bean. We all eat. On the deck outside. It's a little deck and Caroline holds court in her padded easy deck chair. She lights up a little all-natural cigarillo and takes a beloved drag. She asks me to make her some coffee. The color of caramel. She laughs and carries on. She leans forward and a friend starts to rub her lower back. She closes her eyes and sighs.
People come in the back gate, the front door, and I swear they ooze in from the walls. Most of them are lesbians in their full glory. Ah, the sweetness of a full-blown lesbian. Like a heritage rose... I am steeping in womyn-energy.
The house is falling apart. It is glorious. It is the perfect balance of done and un-done. The colors on the wall are done as if someone just got the urge to paint a wall now and again. The kitchen is barely enough, but it is enough. The ice box has beer in it and a few things to eat. Just enough to sustain. The floor has the marks of many many feet walking the labyrinth of life across it. The bathroom is only half painted. Lisa, Caroline's life mate, died several years ago from an aneurism, and didn't finish. Caroline left it. There is a brick on the step into the house that is almost completely loose from so many feet passing. It is a tribute to the people in Caroline's life. The walls are a riot of color. Not perfectly done. As if it was done in a moment of need for color, not a need to impress.
Caroline moves from the deck to the living room, back to the golden couch. She says something about wanting a foot massage. I smile and say "Whatever you wish, I will do." Her toenails are painted electric blue. I rub her feet. Her eyes roll up into her head. She sighs. We speak of everything and nothing. She likes it firm, and it doesn't matter if it bruises. She doesn't care. She's tired of hurting. So I rub and rub. And then I rub her hands. I move her energy, rebalancing and unblocking. Gentle. Gentle. She says she's floating. I pause to go to the bathroom, but before I go... We have a sacred Womyn-Moment.
I tell her I am bellydancing again. This time, it all American Tribal. I'm in classes for it. I tell her it is spirals on spirals. She nods and smiles. I unconsciously raise my arms and she mimics me. I tell her about the womyn-experience of being groups with other womyn and how the energy flows and we become One. She nods and we do tiny snake arms and body rolls together. We Understand each other...
I start to rub her back (she's on her side because she has a drainage bag on her abdomen) and her old bakery partner stops by. Cheryl is now in California, but has flown in the visit. It was so good to see her. Cheryl sits and holds Carolyn's feet. She completes the connection. The energy flows. Caroline is really floating now. We finish and I stand up to go wash my hands.
My body is hot. I am sweating. My hands and body are buzzing w/ energy. I feel almost dizzy. I go to the sink and wash my hands. Bro looks at me and says "Damn, girl! You worked it." I shared some of my energy with him.
Cheryl comes away from Caroline with unspilled tears welling up in her eyes. I look at her and say "Are you all right?" She nods. She says she has to go. I say "Everything's going to be okay." Tears spill. We hold each other. Our bellies touch and the energy moves again. In spirals. The center of the universe is in our bellies.
Uncle Carl walks her out. While I was massaging Caroline, Mom, Dad and Bro are repotting and planting geraniums, fixing tub faucets, and repairing things. People are putting matchsticks in the little house that Julia found at a craft store. She drilled holes in patterns all over the house. They are going to Burn Down The House on Caroline's birthday (May 9th). People put wishes for Caroline in the house to be sent up in the smoke.
Isis is watching over the whole thing... Julia did a dark blue cow's head with the Isis horns and the solar disk. It is coming out of the purple brick wall with hoofs, head and neck pushing through. Beads adorn her horns.
Carl is working on a cookbook that has all the recipes Caroline and her mother worked on throughout their lives. He's in the spare bedroom working on a Mac. He scans a picture of Uncle GJ, Dad, Uncle Delmer and Aunt Caroline when they were little. He gifts a book to John about the lost books of the bible. He and I go to the fusion restaurant around the corner and order food for everyone. We eat. Drink Guinness.
The Maiden, Mother and Crone drop by for a whirlwind visit. They have just flown in from New York. Susanne (a former lover/roommate of Caroline's) owns The Bead Shop and has long wavy red hair and dreamy green eyes. Her mother is a renown watercolorist - Sabina. Sabina was being honored in NYC as one of the top 100 watercolorists in the nation. Or was it top 10? I can't remember. She felt like Angelica Houston. Very classy with raven black hair and a beautiful old German accent. Susanne's sister was tall (they are all tall) and golden haired with electric energy. The settled in to roost with Caroline and then took flight a bit later.
Caroline's Womynion (womynion: a minion of womyn called in a time of need) have set aside the entire day for us. We get time undiluted with Caroline. A precious gift. Christy, the Alpha Bitch of the Womynion, shows me the schedule for March, April and May. It is packed. Caroline is never alone.
We were preparing to leave and I get tapped to talk to Christy on the deck. Kim came out too (ha-ha, little queer humor there ;). I bring my knitting because I thought it was just going to be a little chatting. Turns out that there was nothing "little" about it.
Christy lights up a cigarette and asks me how the family feels about how they are doing with Caroline. I look at her and say "We feel gratitude towards ya'll. We are honored you are in her life. We appreciate you." Then she said that she wanted to make sure we were okay with everything, especially my dad, because some of Caroline's last wishes are a bit unorthodox and they don't have the law behind them to carry it out. My grandmother does. Closest of kin.
Me: Okaaaay.... And? What are these unorthodox things she wants?
Christy: [pause] [deep breath] She wants her body washed.
Me: By whom?
Me: Okaaaay.... And? What else?
Me: So do I. Annnd?
Christie: She wants the ashes to be split four ways.
Me: To whom do the ashes go?
Me: Okay. Good idea. That way Grandmother can do her own memorial. Anything else?
Me: Stopping of the clocks at the time of passing? Covering the mirrors? Candlelight vigil? No shoes so the body doesn't walk? Coins on the eyes?
[Uncle Carl nods]
Me: A cairn?
[relieved looks]
Me: Is it going to be a permanent fixture? How is that going to happen?
Carl: It's not set yet. The idea is for people to bring items and make the cairn themselves, then take the items home after the funeral is over.
Me: Ah! What a brilliant idea. That way, everyone can have a memorial of their own. Lovely :).
[nodding heads]
Me: What else?
Me: Ah. Grandmother isn't going to like that.
Me: Well, who the hell is Lutheran in this bunch other than Gra'ma? Besides, Caroline is gay last time I checked and the Christian churches "don't do gay". You can't have last rites and be gay as far as I know...
Me: Ah. An authority/responsibility problem. You have all of the responsibilities and Grandmother has all of the authority....
And so the conversation went. I talked to my brother, my dad and my mom in the car on the way back about it. They were so lovingly funny about it. When I told them about the "unorthodox" part, they were like "all those things are traditional. What's the deal?" And I said finally "Over my dead body will Caroline's last rites be done in a church that doesn't acknowledge all of her. The Unitarian church can accept all of us. The Lutheran one cannot." Darren paused and said "I don't want to rest all of this on your shoulders, but I think you should be the one to make sure Caroline's last wishes are carried out." There was a deep pause. Then Mom said, "I was going to say the same thing." And Dad said, "Me too."
With all of that resulting in me being tapped to be the executrix of Caroline's last wishes. Dad called Christie the next day and asked her if that would help. She said that it was great and that Caroline would really love that. Turns out, I've been accepted as Family.
What an honor. I am deeply touched. Because promises for last wishes must be kept.
Fast forward to today...
Last night, I went to my bellydance class. I thought I would really be healed and taken away like the past classes. Apparently not so. I got in there and couldn't feel the beat. Couldn't make my body move. Just wanted to rest and Be. So I left class. I was worried that being in a group and sharing my energy wouldn't have been a responsible thing to do.
I went out to my car and cried and cried. The sun was coming back out from an intense rainstorm. I was going to leave, but decided to tell the shop owner that it wasn't my instructor or anything, I was just having an intense emotional response. Lori, my instructor came out for a moment and found me and I told her what was going on. I really felt like my intense response was from my travels and travails. She invited me back into class saying we were going to do slow moves.
So I went back in and did it. Which is good because later I would have felt like I had failed. Unfortunately, just as we were getting into this amazing passionate song, and we were starting to groove, she stopped us because it was the end of class and the song was 9 minutes long. What would 4 more minutes have done? Oh, well.
So I'm stuck in this weird place. My energy is all skewed. I know that later and in retrospect, it will all be clear. But for now, I'm all muddy. Which is funny. I'm a Scorpio (water) and Caroline is a Taurus (earth). Perhaps I'm still tuned in.
Perhaps the phone conversation I had with a dear friend contributed to my fall. She said she and her husband are looking at properties away from Austin. He is looking at being laid off. They are enjoying Ren-Festing from behind the scenes (she's been playing hammered dulcimer gigs and he's helping her with that) for the past 6 months. Selling their tax-heavy Austin house for a place out in the country where their dogs can go free and they can have looser living constraints is attractive. But she's a nurse and how is she going to work clear out in the boonies? What is he going to do? Blah blah blah. And we can't move with them (they are that special that we would even consider that). Not really. Our lives are entangled and enmeshed here in Austin for now. Mara's school, our community, bellydancing, knitting groups, healthcare givers etc.
It's complicated.
As usual. ;)
I am sure I'll get over it. [tired grin] I just have to wait for the energy to change.
Which is never a long wait.
Photo Credit: Unknown. Please Do Not Redistribute.
3 comments:
I hope writing that post helped you sort things out, even a little. I love your descriptions of Caroline's home and community of friends. She is truly blessed to have such care-givers and family members who are so concerned that her wishes be honored. I hope your groove is back. xoxo!
I do think I have a bit of my groove back. ;) I need heavy sedation for all the shit I accomplished today, tho'. Good Gods. Will you freakin' stop me before I do another thing on my list??? I need to skip to the part that says "Margaritas". LOL
Oh, and thanks for the kudos on my descriptions. Those just poured out of me. I wrote for 3 hours. Can you feel the love? [grin] It *did* help to write that post. Helped me sort things out. Thanks for reading it. :)
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